Oftentimes the circumstances of people are different, and therefore opinions on how relationships should be, vary. However, the one thing that should but often doesn’t remain constant is our friendships prior to our relationships. While in Boston for the weekend, my phone rang. It was Ashley. She called to tell me she got engaged. I was so happy for her and eager to congratulate them, and see her bling, that we decided to meet at Starbucks. I knew from our prior conversations that she was going to ask me to be a bride’s maid and I was right, she did ask, and I accepted the bride’s maid position.

Needless to say, I was that bride’s maid that “disappointed” the bride when I told her I couldn’t attend her shower. WELL, you would have thought I was slaying the GROOM. The guilt and grief I got because I had an exam the next day and couldn’t be there was ridiculous! The disappointment she was feeling was exactly how I felt when SHE came into New York and made no effort to get together and see me. Her excuse: too much shopping had to be done…. I’m sure everyone agrees that an exam outweighs the importance of charging on the plastic! Now everyone, please when in a relationship or getting hitched, make sure you don’t drop your friends like flies with no vocalized reason after you say your, “I Do’s”…especially those friends you felt close enough to, to ask them to be in your wedding.

FACT: MEN and WOMEN, LISTEN UP….If asked, YES, it’s a honor to be in a groomsman or bride’s maid in your friend’s wedding, BUT bride and groom, please don’t expect too much from your wedding party, and DON’T kill your friends and cop an attitude if there are legitimate reasons they can’t attend every pre or post-wedding bash. If you feel close enough that you asked them to be in your wedding, THEN make sure when married to KEEP your friendships solid, and not vanish and disappear out of your friends’ lives leaving them wondering, did I say, or do something?

It’s quite amusing and disturbing to watch people change, and observing how different they start acting when a new “prospect” enters their life. Just because someone starts to date, move in, or marry, does NOT mean that they should stop having lives of their own or abandon their friends. Why, though, can’t we have both…..A life with a lover and our lives with our friends?

It’s hard to understand why certain people conform to others, and often vanish from our lives. An old friend of mine, Ashley, acted this way. We were friends through thick and thin and never betrayed each other. After both of our relationships ended and we were single, her singleness didn’t last for long. Within months she found a new man, and I was pretty confident he was here to stay.

Within the first year of their dating, I moved to NYC, but we still remained close. When I came home I’d usually make the effort to try and get together. FACT: Like relationships, friendships are also two way streets. Shockingly though, one Saturday when strutting Pasha, who did I bump SMACK into? Ashley and Ross, my “so called” close friends, who came into the city and made no effort to see me. After all, it doesn’t take that long to grab a quick cup of coffee. Is Bergdorf’s SO important that seeing your friend, even for a moment, can’t be squeezed in?

Of course it bothered me that she didn’t make any effort to get together. Since I never had ANY issues with Ross, and didn’t think he had any with me I couldn’t understand why we weren’t getting together. However, in due time it became apparent that he was trying to monopolize my friend. I wondered if maybe he was just insecure of their relationship, or if he was just a dominating and a controlling type, or was it just that he didn’t want her having any friends other then HIM. Or, did he feel just feel threatened that her friends may take her away from him? It was so unclear…but then again, to an “outsider” observing the relationship, OH SO CLEAR. Why often, when in relationships, does may one neglect to see how the other is trying to manipulate and control the other, and the relationship, when it’s so obvious to everyone else what’s really happening?

My phone rings last night. It was my close married friends, Elena and Alan, all fired up and on a rampage.
“I cannot believe who we ran into at Capital Grille,” I hear Alan scream in the background.
“Put Alan on the phone. What is going on; why are you all fired up?”
“Well, did you ever run into an old friend from childhood whose wedding you were in, were best friends with for years, but as soon as he, or she became ‘hitched,’ you were flushed away quicker than shit? And, unexpectedly, 10 years later you run into them?” I chuckled…
“Yes!” It’s unfortunate I explained to Alan. But worse is when there’s no “legitimate” reason why you and your friend stopped speaking.

Having experienced similar situations where friends became obsolete, I related to Alan. It’s a sad commentary when some of your SO-called friends meets a guy, or girl, and become WHIPPED way more than “Land o Lakes!” Your friendship quickly comes to a halt, and you’re instantly dropped out of their life. It’s as if they were never friends with you or even knew you. Complete eviction…Why?

Friends shouldn’t go dropping friends; it’s NOT the right thing to do. After all, you were friends way before this other walked into your life, and who’s to say that this new interest or infatuation will last? There’s no reason why someone has to choose: an s.o. over “friends.” After all, most of us know that good friends will be there through thick and thin. But often when we’ve removed ourselves from friendships and act like a complete assholes, we’ll sometimes realize that this new fling isn’t for us, and the picture as to why your friends didn’t like this new man is finally clear. This isn’t to say we should always listen to our friends, but we also shouldn’t go ditching them for the hottie down the block. Often there comes a time when you’ll try going back to your friend, explaining how stupid you were, and plea for their forgiveness. Will they accept your remorse and take you back as their friend?

If a friendship is important, then it shouldn’t be treated like a roller coaster. We shouldn’t only expect to ride when single and bored, with no plans. And just because something better sometimes comes along, and often we may THINK it’s the best thing to hit since losing our virginity and having our cherry popped, we shouldn’t go ditching our friends. Why do so many friends pull this shit? And, why do some significant others make it so hard to remain friends with certain people?

Certain “looks” given between many men and women are priceless. It’s just as entertaining as “people watching.” But, why do we catch a look, and then often still shift our eyes? We’ve all been or on a date where someone’s ADD kicks in, and they start looking in every direction but at you. You sit there and wonder: Why am I even here? Maybe he’s just not that attracted to me and therefore feels there’s no need to focus. But whether or not you’re attracted to someone, many of us would probably agree that when you’re with someone, not paying attention to them is rude. But then again, it could just be the old ADD kicking in! Or, maybe they’re just insecure, and until he/she gets to know you, focusing isn’t their strong suit. (Here’s a tip: Men, learn to FOCUS and stop texting, and WOMEN, if you are looking for the next best beautiful thing to walk through the door, STOP–it’s SO rude!) No matter how we want to define, analyze, and determine what a “look” that’s given means, don’t be such a puss… Try saying “HI!” After all, there’s nothing wrong with using the old, “Oh, you look familiar; do I know you from college, or is it Equinox?” Come on men and women, put yourself out there! Eating dinner alone or hanging with the boys every night can become quite boring. Isn’t it better to be hard as a rock or sopping wet over filet mignon and a glass of Chianti with your favorite honey?

Let the Maven attest to that fact that I’ve been out where I’ve given and gotten looks, all with many different outcomes. Go ahead and try the approach; test the temperatures. What is the worst that could happen? After all, there’s a good possibility that he/she will be so flattered and into you that you can both “bang” into oblivion. Or, maybe you’ll have your introductions, grab a drink, and mosey on your merry way making sure to tell him or her to read your Blog! Any of those outcomes, in my Maven mind, isn’t losing. However, the possibility of gaining something you don’t have is always appealing. In any event, is there really anything wrong with approaching someone who catches your eye?

Countless times when I am out and about, I’ve caught someone either giving me, or someone else, “the look.” But, heaven forbid that the person giving me “the look” would even THINK to approach me regardless of where I am, whether BY MYSELF or amongst others. However, there is one exception to this general course of in-action: if cute Pasha is strutting beside me and a guy gives me “the look,” the dog becomes the perfect excuse to stop and chat. The question presented: Do men need excuses to approach and talk to a woman they find attractive?

We all know if we’re at the gym, and spot a firm tight ass or buffed chest it is SO hard trying not to stare. But why will most people only give the “look,” with no approach? Maybe there’s that legitimate reason such as, you’ve just hopped off the Stairmaster and think that being all smelly and dripping wet doesn’t exactly make for a perfect introduction. Or, is the truth really that approaching someone after a few drinks is much easier than when sober? Many may think it’s easier to approach what your eye spies when you’re in a sea of bodies in a club, hidden amongst the dim lights and blaring music, versus the fluorescent lighting in the gym exposing the full glory of your cellulite and sweaty pits. But, what all of us should understand is that, some men and women are sometimes shy and have trouble breaking the ice. So, the dark lighting and a few cocktails maybe the cure all some of us need! But, beware, after several glasses of wine, or six martinis, this can make someone who’s not so glamorous look way more appealing!

However, some think that the “look” will usually imply that there is chemistry or that we find someone attractive. BUT, are we just assuming that “looks” are always positive? Or, is it actually that the “look” was given in a negative way, as if to say, why are you dressed like a grandmother, and why is your belly so fat that you insist on wearing such tight Seven jeans or lycra Wolford tops with your rolls flopping out? OR is the look given purely as a means of checking someone out and a desire to aspire to their sense of fashion? Or, are looks just that, looks?

He was tall with a full head of thick brown hair and blue eyes: good looking and toned. As many times as we’ve given each other the “look,” words were never said. One night while out in the city, I spotted my mystery guy, looking even hotter than he did when he was all sweaty and dripping in his mesh shorts and t shirt. Being that I don’t have a shy bone in my body, and he gave me the “look” as if to say, “I know…I know you from somewhere,” I slowly approached him. Yes, WOMEN, sometimes it’s ok to approach a guy. After all, if most guys want to act as if chivalry is dead or if they simply won’t take the leap, then I really don’t see the big problem in approaching. “Hey, you go to Equinox, right?” He laughed, “Yup! Can I get you a drink?” I smiled. Why when in certain atmospheres does conversation come so easy, but then in others seems next to impossible?

When speaking with a male friend of mine, Maverick about the type of girl he wants, likes, and is attracted to, he told me, “I can say anyone is nice, smart, and hardworking, would make a great mother, and friend. BUT, I cannot say that even if a girl has all these amazing qualities that I would want to jump all over her, wine, dine and 69 with her, or spend the rest of my life with her. Maven, I need the physical attraction, and if it’s not there, I don’t care how nice she is or if she’s the daughter of Bill Gates; I’m NOT interested.” WOW, I thought to myself; quite the bold statement.

Has society put such an emphasis on looks that it’s overpowering the way we go about choosing our mates? Are most single men so caught up in physical beauty that other characteristics in a woman are overlooked? And are men just picking a woman for the knockers she has? Will many women just settle for a guy who isn’t so good looking because what she’s really looking for is, to get married, have babies, and is mostly concerned with finding a good provider? But, why does it appear that looks are so important to so many men, but less important to many women (especially once they’ve started freaking about their biological clocks tick-talking away)? Are most men more superficial than women, or are women just as superficial, but in other ways?

Having experienced meeting and dating all types of men, where many were met online and totally lied about their physical appearance, I will say that physical attraction is critical from the get go, and throughout the whole relationship. As a modern-day woman, it’s apparent that MEN need SEX, but most WOMEN do too! However, men thrive off of it, salivate and talk constantly about it, and will tend to be that DOG in heat that humps at any given opportunity. And most men will put an emphasis on sex way more then most women. Unfortunately it’s apparent and quite sad that many women live, and lead their lives by their biological clock. Even though they may have envisioned landing that chic, stylish, full head of hair, tall and dark, sexy hung stallion, there comes a point where beauty or a large pecker isn’t as important to them. Does this mean women should settle if there is less physical attraction and the attraction of carrying a bun in the oven is factoring into their decisions? Or, if you do end up with the guy who only had ½ of what you really wanted but gave you a flawless ring and put your fertility qualms at ease, in the end will he make you truly happy and content? Or, will there always be that passion and heat missing, leaving you feeling lonely, sexually deprived, and unfulfilled inside?

Have men become the smarter of the single sexes? Do most men think their “equipment” allows them to be perpetual baby-makers? Since most aren’t looking for a woman to support them, do they have the advantage to remain single and be players? Are most women searching for their Freudian father-figure where they have the picturesque image of the nice house with the white picket fence? Is contentment always the way to go? To me, being content means one has settled, and this isn’t always the best direction to take.

As we back through time, we’ll tend to see and find the same things….wars had been started over beautiful women…look at the Helen of the Trojan War….kingdoms were broken up over attractive women…. Mark Anthony and Cleopatra…religion was discarded because of lust and attraction… Sampson and Delilah… Henry the VIII (who in the 14th century established his own church in England so he could be granted a divorce…(which of course still is affecting us today, as there is still religious strife in countries such as Ireland). Have we all forgotten what deep love and passion is all about? Is everything now just purely focused on doing the “deed” only to fulfill our raging sex drives? Have the values of yester-year been compleately warped, and most men are just focusing too much on the beauty that was obsessed way before Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet? Which way is the right way to go? Is there a right way?

Well, Miss Maven would like to clue all of you in. Whether your attraction is found because of looks, money, materialistic possessions, or intellect, the two most important and obvious pieces of a person are looks and personality. They both go hand and hand, and are equally necessarily to make for a dynamic relationship. Women should try holding out for that special one, and not settling just because their biological alarm clocks are about to go off, or because they feel pressure from everyone surrounding them. And guys, let your eyes wonder, and if you happen to be fortunate enough to meet a unique person with character, who’s sexy and fun, and great in bed, DON’T FUCK IT UP and DO NOT let her slip away!

Oftentimes when in a relationship you may automatically assume that just because it’s a weekend, you’re doing something together. But, when plans are casually mentioned and not confirmed, the assumption of having plans with miscommunication often will lead to disappointments, arguments, and let downs when one isn’t on the same page as the other. WHY do so MANY men have trouble making definite plans, communicating them, and worse, following up? Why do they sometimes say, or hint, “Oh, let’s plan to meet up later that night or in the week,” and usually never end up coming through and leave a woman guessing. Don’t men understand that most women, when liking a guy, look forward to seeing him? Why do men even suggest plans when they can’t seem to follow through? Why are men so lackadaisical? Don’t men know most women get SO pissed off and irritated by this behavior? Many women may start to think a man is just all talk…. and anyone smart knows talk is cheap! Why often will men enthusiastically mention meeting up, and then completely blow off plans, never follow up, and worse, if you the girl, take the initiative to confirm so you don’t have to keep wondering what lingerie to where, he’ll say, “going out with my “boys” and doesn’t even invite you to join. Women just don’t understand how a man can’t follow through. When chemistry, connection, friendship, and attraction are all there, and it’s quite obvious that both of you are clicking, then one would think that as a man wouldn’t you want to try and snag and get to know this seemingly great woman, and at the very least see her enough to see if your feelings will remain the same after getting to know her? Why imply that you wanted to do something and then pull out, was it cold feet, or something else? WHY can men make and keep plans with their “boys” and not us women? Don’t they know finding a girl isn’t easy, and if you are lucky to find one you connect with on many levels then it’s time to ditch the stupid high school games? Why constantly wait until the LAST minute to ask to someone to do something and worse if have a set date, cancel and disappoint? Don’t most men realize contacting someone last minute for a date, or to cancel, is RUDE? Don’t men understand by acting like this it may leave most women and/or friends feeling slightly ticked off? Why can’t most man wake up and stop acting like morons, cut the shit, and stop behaving this way?

Well, I sympathized with Chase. Her situation with Kevin totally sucked! I know how much she cares about Kevin, and this is only the real issue she has but, as we ALL know…ISSUES that don’t get resolved and nipped in the bud usually will escalate into unneeded tension.

“Chase, my close and spectacular friend, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But, let me clue you in on this, truth be told, for one reason or another MOST MEN CANNOT make plans or commit. It’s a HUGE problem, and sadly there are VERY few men that are perfect and have impeccable ‘Ritz Carlton’ manners along with exquisite taste. I learned a LONG time ago from my ex boyfriend, Marc, NEVER assume you are doing something with someone unless asked and confirmed. Even if and when a guy hints, asks, or says to you to “let’s meet up,” or invites you on a date, NEVER set your expectations, or hopes so high because that day or night may possibly come where you may never hear from him, or he ends up contacting you and, flaking out. But when you do have feelings for someone, but something is holding you back or interfering like, age, timing, distance, finances, baggage, or possibly all your other friends are single, and all of this maybe causing you to be wishy washy: Then, maybe you should try taking a risk to find, and figure out where this relationship could go, and stop making excuses and being cowardly. After all there’s really nothing to lose, and who knows, you may end up being pleasantly surprised!”

Chase fully agreed with my theory and diagnosis even though she was still annoyed which, I COMPLETELY understood. After all, this wasn’t the first time Kevin pulled this crap. Being that she’s repeatedly discussed her feelings with him, of how doing things last minute without informing her bothers her, it still keeps happening. We both shrugged our shoulders and laughed, and kept on repeating, “We just don’t understand what’s so hard about guys making plans.”

From speaking with many women about why men can’t commit to plans, even if something feels so right they still don’t try. The majority have all agreed based on their varied experiences that most men are all talk and usually no follow through even if at one time or another a hole in one was shot. After all, if you can get in the hole once, then what’s the problem with being consistent–especially when deep down you know and feels that connection?

However, whether or not single, dating, or in a relationship, having plans with friends, mates, parents, or spouses, if plans are made, or tentatively mentioned, they should never be “assumed.” They should though ALWAYS be confirmed, and marked down so there is no disappointment, overlap, or miscommunication. It’s always better to ask, than to wonder, unless of course you are scared of the truth, and the possibility of not seeing this person leaves you to wonder what he, or she is really thinking, and doing. “Is he, or isn’t he into you?” Why do most men send mixed signals? Why can’t they wise up and go back to the way things were in the Victorian era of acting, looking, and being like respectable polished ladies and gents?

I hung up the phone and thought to myself…..Hmmm….Most women will agree that “CHICKS” can almost always get the calendar out and make a clear-cut plan when asked to do something and are likely to confirm hours before meeting. However, if they’re going to be late, most women will usually call or text to let you know they’re going to be tardy. Why though is it that MOST MEN have problems making definite plans? Is it because often some men get scared and may think that if they make, and keep plans they’ll automatically assume the woman is SO into them that she’s thinking about the wedding before even going on a second date? Do men ever take the time to actually think that maybe she’s just looking forward to a fun night with someone she recently met, felt a connection and chemistry with, and just wants to casually see where things may go? After all, finding someone where almost everything fits isn’t always an easy task and no matter at what stage of life you are in, as long as each person has stability, why not test the waters — do you really have anything to lose? HOWEVER, what’s really horrible is when some men do make plans, and more often than not, they think it’s ok to confirm 30 to 60 minutes before meeting as opposed to confirming before 2pm and being considerate and polite! Men, SMARTEN UP, advanced confirmation is preferred!

Since Chase and I can and did make plans, we met at Starbucks, got a quick tea, and both looked at each other and said, “You up for some shopping and schmeying around?” We both smiled and nodded, hell ya, always up for a trip to Saks!

Chase is in a relationship and contemplating whether or not to pull the trigger and move in with Kevin. I thought to myself, they’ve been dating long enough that if she’s being indecisive about moving in with him there must be some issue. As we were catching up, I was giving her “Jewish guilt” about not being able to do a girl’s night out.

“Ok, spill it, enough of the bull shit. Let the ‘Maven’ hear what’s going on and WHY you can’t do a girl’s night and what’s really holding you back from moving in with Kevin? Why are you being so iffy and indecisive? This isn’t like you!” This unintentionally opened up a can of worms and Chase began to vent.

“Ha! You are funny and VERY perceptive, too. You can always tell when I’m annoyed! Bottom line is, it’s how Kevin goes about making plans, and the fact that he can’t make definite plans is really annoying and bothersome to me. It’s gotten to the point that it’s getting under my skin worse than a frustrating, un-popable blemish!” I laughed!

“What? What do you mean he can’t make plans? But…you said you two had plans tonight.”
“Yes, we do, BUT we spoke briefly on Thursday about Saturday night, and he told me he spoke to his cousins who asked to get together with us but he never ‘set it in stone’ and instead left the plans up in the air. Why he does this, I don’t know. I told him you were coming into town and that Saturday night I wanted to do something with you if we weren’t going to do something with them. But the reason why I couldn’t tell you until today is because yesterday when I told him I was going to do something with you tomorrow night, he freaked and blurted out, “WHAT, we have plans with my cousins.”

“Well, this started a whole argument and boy did we have words! I reiterated the conversation we had THURSDAY morning about the POSIBILITY of doing something with his cousins Saturday night, but he never bothered to let me know that he did in fact make definite plans with them. I scorned him for not confirming the plans with me or checking to see if I was still free. I’m pissed because this is a reoccurring pattern with him. I’m starting to question whether I want to consistently keep being annoyed and frustrated by him. It’s not that I cared if we were doing something; it’s the FACT that he always waits until last minute to tell me he’s made plans. You’ve know me forever; I can make a plan the day before, follow through, or tell anyone in advance giving ample notice that I’m not free. BUT, for some reason, and like the majority of men, HE CAN’T make, confirm, and inform me of any plans he’s made…it’s driving me NUTS! I just don’t know what to do.”

I dropped my head down, rolled my eyes and saw Chase was quite frustrated and disturbed by the lack of communication with her Beau, like any woman would be.

Since text messaging and emails are today the preferred forms of communication for singles and couples, is this new fad overpowering the ability for meaningful communication? Oftentimes, when writing and sending messages via email or text, things that are written and were intended to be interpreted one way are often misinterpreted. Why is this? Is it because you don’t hear the tone, or perhaps the wording is unclear? Perhaps the text was interpreted negatively, or is it the fact that a text or email is so informal that sometimes what is written is often perceived differently as opposed to face-to-face “speech.” When you’re talking to someone, it’s usually pretty clear from their tone and the progression of the conversation what the person is saying, how they’re coming across, and there is less of a chance of miscommunication. Perhaps we’re blaming modern conveniences for an age old problem and we’re using texts and emails as scapegoats, when in reality it’s merely a tool utilized by a person who just does not want to commit. Is this the underlying truth: People have forgotten how to make the effort?

Since I was coming home for the weekend, and I wanted to see my spunky sisterly-like friend, Chase on Monday, I shot her a text to see if she wanted to grab a bite or a few drinks Saturday night. She responded, “I need to get back to you because Kevin [the boyfriend] mentioned something to me about doing something Saturday night, but he hasn’t confirmed with me yet.” I told Chase to let me know, (it’s no biggie either way), and that I’d ring her Thursday on my way back to Boston to confirm. “Ok, sounds great, can’t wait to see you!”

While waiting for the plane to leave on Thursday, I phoned Chase.

“Yo!”
“Hey!”
“I’m at the airport heading in. What’s your deal for Saturday night; are we on?”
“I still don’t know. Kevin hasn’t firmed up with me, which I’m SO annoyed about because I want to see you. He mentioned having plans with his cousins Saturday night, but I haven’t gotten a solid answer whether or not we are seeing them.”
“Well Chase, for heaven’s sake, when the fuck is he going to inform you, or are you just going to sit like a duck and wait? Oye, give a sista a break, I’m dying to see you!”
Chase laughed in the phone…“I know, I know…You have no idea what a constant battle it is for him to commit to plans, and on those rare occasions he does make them, he neglects to inform me ahead of time. It’s a real issue! We’ll discuss it more when I see you! How’s Saturday during the day, can I pencil you in?”
“Yup, sounds great.”
“How about we meet 1pm, Starbucks on Newbury?”
“Ok, sounds delectable!…The plane door is shutting; I need to shut off my phone. Can’t wait to see you Saturday, Bye.”